Fear is something I often don’t spend a lot of time contemplating. Sure, I know the things that I’m afraid of: spiders, heights (actually, falling from those heights) and the idea that Taco Bell may not exist someday in the far off future. These are pretty standard though.

A dear friend of mine asked to identify what I fear the most and try to write about it. That should be easy! I thought to myself.

Not so.

I suppose that which I fear the most is loss. I don’t mean the loss of some thing or even someone, and I most certainly am not referring back to my rare case of Tacobellgoneaphobia.

I mean that I fear most to lose time and waste my life pursuing fruitless things.

While in the end, it really, truly does not matter what I do with my life, I want it to be a life well lived. Extraordinarily so, in fact. I recognize that in the grand scope of things, my life is small and insignificant. I am the center of nobody’s universe. Yet I can’t help but to feel that I must do something meaningful at every available opportunity.

I often find myself attempting to do things that used to bring happiness and comfort no matter the rest of life’s circumstances, such as playing video games or reading a book, and am often left feeling worse than when I began. This is not because I dislike playing video games or that I over play them. It’s not because I read books that depress one’s mood or are inappropriate in any sense. I can spend a day at work longing to put my feet up and relax in front of a television and Xbox, yet when I finally begin to do so, I feel a sense of emptiness. I begin to think of all of the other things that I could be doing, and am rendered incapable of just being. I struggle with relaxation because of some sensation that relaxing is a waste of the time God has given me, and there is a very real sense of fear that my life will suffer for doing so.

This is where I have to remind myself of the importance of rest and self-care, two things that have been very difficult to practice since my four years of vigorous growth and self improvement while away at college. However, rest is so important that…

wait for it…

wait for it…


And he very much encourages that we do the same. There are numerous references in scripture that point to God’s instruction to incorporate rest into our day to day lives, lest we burn ourselves out and render ourselves useless.

Something I have had to learn, relearn and am yet still learning, is this:

To live a life extraordinarily well lived, one must engage in self-care, quiet time, and just find rest.

Much Love & Many Blessings my Friends,

Brady J. L. Smith


3 thoughts on “Reliquaphobia

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