It is astonishing how much can change in a mere nine months.
There have been many events, adventures, hurts and joys that I have neglected to record in writing over that time, and I hope to get around to some of that in the near future, though right now there is something greater on my heart that must be addressed.
Reading over the last few posts that I had written here, I learned some things both about myself and from myself.
Of late, I have spent too many hours (or perhaps not enough) contemplating my increase in restlessness and boredom, failing to find any solution that seems to abate the symptoms in any lasting way.
Of late, I find myself more distant from people who truly matter, as well as more distant from hobbies and activities that I once reveled in, and lacking joy and wonder in all the great opportunities I have in life.
Of late, I find myself questioning much of what I have always believed about love, people, time, the world, and even in some ways, my God.
Of late, I find myself leaving many social interactions regretting words that soared from my mouth so effortlessly, wondering when I allowed myself to become so cynical, doubtful, angry, selfish, jealous and slanderous.
Of late, I am not who I want to be, and I don’t think I am even on a path heading the direction I want to go.
Don’t get me wrong, I love myself and am not here to self-deprecate; rather I am starting to recognize some pretty bad fruit falling to the ground, and that’s not cool.
The posts I was writing nine months ago speak of a man that was increasingly devoting his time to matters that mattered, as well as to a man seeking God.
The words, emotions, actions and lackthereof speak of a man who has been increasingly devoting his time to himself, and seeking himself. This is not who I want to be, nor to whom I am called be.
My life is objectively wonderful and without issue. My circumstances have not been more peaceful, more easygoing or more simple since before I finished high school, and my biggest worry was that I would have to dance at prom.
I have been incredibly happy, and yet I have grown incredibly bored.
To where have I let slip my heart and my time?
Reading the words written long ago by the man in the mirror, I am faced with the recognition that I have been better and that I can be better. I can and must choose to put God and others before myself once again, and give not only of my time but also of my love and my talents.
To blissfully exist in this carefully crafted world I have built for myself is simply not enough. In order to once again begin to live, it is time that I again begin to give.
Much Love & Many Blessings
Brady J L Smith